One thing is for sure in life: Hard things happen. When they happen to our parents or care partners it can be difficult to know how to best support them.
Missing
Last month I was flying from Nova Scotia to Newfoundland to see my two favorite 91-year-olds, Mom and her husband, my stepdad, FT. While at the airport I received a text from my stepsister asking me to call her. She shared that her brother had been reported missing. She wanted me to know before I arrived at Mom’s place. Her other brother had just shared the news with Mom and FT.
Air and ground search-and-rescue teams were involved and thoroughly searched the area where the missing brother’s car was found. The search continued for a number of days without success. Mom’s and my concern centered on how to support my stepdad. From the beginning he feared his son had died.
When something like this happens our care partners need support with the practical and emotional aspects of living.
Hierarchy of Needs
In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow described a hierarchy of needs that relate to one another as a way to describe our motivation to move beyond survival and constantly look for opportunities to better ourselves. The first of these needs, often pictured in a pyramid, is physiological. The next is safety, then love and belonging followed by esteem and finally, self-actualization.
As a former nurse, it was natural for me to think about Maslow’s hierarchy as I thought about the immediate priorities necessary to best ensure FT’s well-being as he contemplated the loss and lack of closure around his missing son.
Physiological: (the basics – the things that keep the body alive such as food, water, sleep)
I was not going to be in Newfoundland for very long so I stressed how important it was for FT and Mom to eat, drink and sleep. Whether you are close by or not, there are things to think about to help:
- Have meals prepared that can be frozen so they can just take something out of the freezer when they don’t want to cook.
- Ask good friends to bring a meal a couple of times a week. If there is a meal service nearby or a restaurant that can do takeout, arrange for home delivery a couple of times a week.
- Check in daily and ask how they are doing with meals.
- Encourage naps. FT falls asleep on the couch and I encouraged Mom to leave him there rather than wake him to go to bed.
- Encourage limiting television and screen time. While both can be a diversion, TV and screens can function as a stimulant and cause hyperawareness so limiting exposure is important.
- Encourage a variety of fluids. Some people find tea and coffee soothing and will reach for these when stressed. Too much can interrupt sleep and affect both hydration and blood pressure.
Safety: (shelter, health and a safe environment)
I asked them to check in with their family doctor and to monitor their blood pressure. Fortunately, they are healthy and active and have a family doctor who can see them quickly as needed. Other things to think about:
- Ask them not to drive when they are tired.
- Ask a friend or neighbor to help out with the driving.
- Let their family doctor know what has happened so they can ask Mom and FT how they are coping during regular visits.
Mom and FT live in their own home and it is senior-safe. If your loved one is at home, check around to make sure hazards are minimized. When a tragedy strikes, our care partners can be preoccupied with what’s happening and may take less care when moving around or doing things they have always done safely. Not paying attention can cause accidents.
Love and Belonging: (family, friends, trust and sharing)
FT’s youngest son lives nearby and checks on Mom and FT daily. My time in Newfoundland was limited so I can only check in by phone. Things to consider:
- Check in daily.
- Develop a schedule with family and friends to ensure someone is checking in throughout the day.
- Screen calls if you are physically present. Respect that they have periods where they don’t want to talk with curiosity seekers. (Mom and FT received calls from people they hear from infrequently. People just wanted to know what happened. I took messages.)
- Find out the friends they would like a visit from and notify them that it would be okay to drop by.
You can expect them to ruminate or have questions about what they could have done differently and about how to cope with the unknown.
The best way to support them is to listen even when it is hard. They are working to come to terms with what has happened. FT and Mom believed his son was dead early on.
Whatever they think or feel, allow them to express it without offering advice, alternative views or telling them how to think and feel. If you feel they are psychologically at risk, help them make an appointment with their family doctor or a counselor.
Return to the Basics
Supporting our care partner through tragic events will take time and energy. It is not about having the answers. It is about being there to help them feel safe, supported, cared for and connected as they try to come to terms with what has happened.
It would be wise to make sure you have support too. Remember Maslow and look after your basic needs as well.
