By Susanne White
Caregiver guilt has hung around me for years. I have numerous things I feel guilty about, and I can add new reasons every day.
I may have broken a promise, lost my temper in frustration, spoken unkindly, made a mistake, or even worse, felt like I neglected my loved one in some way. I replay these incidents over and over in my head and become weighted down with remorse and shame.
Even though I am aware of my guilt, the many reasons I feel it, and have a wonderful toolbox of tips and tricks at my disposal to help me manage my guilt, I still suffer from it.
Sadly, I am not alone in my dance with caregiver guilt, and I often hear that managing guilt and shame is one of the biggest challenges caregivers face.
Let’s look at how we can process, reframe, and release our feelings of caregiver guilt. The following 10 suggestions can provide powerful ways to shake loose from guilt and shame, help us refocus our attention, and enable us to find balance, peace, and a sense of well-being.
Name the guilt.
Saying “This is guilt, I’m feeling guilty right now” reduces its power over us and brings awareness. When we get that nagging, sinking feeling about how awful we are, we can pretty much assume it’s guilt. Point a finger at it, wag that finger at it, and call it what it is. Question the story it’s telling you and cross-examine it. Tell yourself that guilt is just a feeling, not who you are.
Reframe the guilt.
Ask yourself if there is a kinder, more useful way to look at this feeling of guilt. We must remember that feeling guilty means we care deeply, not that we’ve failed. The truth is, we are doing the best we can, and we are always showing up, no matter how hard it is. Try to look at the big picture of your loved one’s care. Zoom out and see how you have done so much to make them feel safe and sound, and how their well-being is always a priority.
Speak to yourself kindly as you would a friend.
Support yourself like a friend who always says, “You are loved and appreciated, and you are doing a great job. No wonder you are tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Why don’t you take a break?” Unless you are talking to yourself as you would a dear friend, you are letting guilt rule your life through a nasty, toxic conversation. Pay attention to your inner voice and see if you can make it more supportive and kinder.
Make sure expectations are realistic.
They say expectations are premeditated resentments. When we try to be perfect caregivers, we are setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism is the root of so much guilt. Healing begins when we realize that being perfect is impossible and we embrace “good enough”. Doing the best we can with what we have to work with is a noble goal and one that is achievable every day.
Allow rest and reset.
Taking a break is not selfish; it’s critical. It’s fuel for the body and soul. When we are rested, eating healthy food, restored, and rejuvenated, we are more balanced caregivers. Instead of beating ourselves up with guilt, we need to build ourselves up with powerful self-care.
Seek out support.
Getting the support of family, friends, therapists, and support groups goes a long way in relieving the burden of guilt. Sharing our feelings puts them in perspective and helps us see the truth about the effort we make and the positive difference we are making.
Let go of what’s out of our control.
Guilt comes from trying to control the uncontrollable. There is so little we actually control. We can heal when we let go of trying to control everything. Most of what I let go of has claw marks on it, so I know it’s not easy. But once I relinquish my need to try and control things, I have lots of opportunities to try different things without feeling as though I’ve failed.
Create an outlet.
Journal, meditate, write the guilt down, then rip up the paper. Find an outlet to release the feelings of guilt. Get it out of your head and onto your lips, paper, or breath. Put on some music and dance like nobody’s watching to shake it off. Any action you take to expose and purge the guilt will loosen its grip.
Focus on the present.
Instead of replaying regrets, concentrate on what can be done right here and now. It’s wise to learn from the past, but when we don’t let it go, it can repeat itself and set up expectations for the present. Hit the restart button every day, as many times as needed.
Celebrate the small wins.
Acknowledge the care and love we have expressed through our actions. Guilt can’t live in the wins, and the difference we make by showing up and caring is paramount. Instead of thinking about what went wrong, think of the things that went right. Celebrate the small wins, the smiles, the tiny ways you have made a difference in your loved one’s life.
As caregivers, we make mistakes and quite often plan A blows up in our faces. Challenges are never-ending, and our journey is long and hard. We have to pivot, adapt, adjust, and land on our feet. And that’s usually the first thing in the morning.
Adding shoulds, judgment, and guilt to the mix negates the valiant effort we make every day to serve and honor those we love. Guilt has no place in our energy or purpose. Instead of beating yourself up, build yourself up. Use these tips and anything else that floats your boat away from guilt and into self-appreciation.
I see and appreciate you and wish you the guilt-free caregiving journey you deserve.
Susanne White is the founder of Caregiver Warrior and author of “Self-Care for Caregivers: A Practical Guide to Caring for You While You Care for Your Loved One.” She leads the Guilt & Shame and The Clean & Sober Caregiver Circles for Daughterhood. Learn more at caregiverwarrior.com or find her Circles on Daughterhood.org.